Andy Rooney tried to get onto the Internet last week. Of course, people took the bait and tried to help. They even answered his questions, trying to simplify things and making it all sound hopelessly complicated and unfathomable and useless, just as he wanted it to sound.
It was quite amusing, and quite accurate. But complex as the Internet is, I don't think it is really too much for an intellect like Andy's. You just have to keep it simple for him.
What's a modem? That's the magic device that let's your computer use phone lines to connect to -- to become a part of -- the Internet.
Web pages? Those are computer files, containing words, pictures, and sometimes small computer programs. You "hit" a web page by typing in its exact Internet address -- or, more easily, by pushing a button on your screen that types in that address for you -- and the Internet retrieves that file and transmits the contents to your computer, which, using something called a "browser", combines the text and graphics and interprets the hidden instructions and programming, and displays it all on your screen ever-so-prettily.
Eventually he'd understand. You just have to ignore most of his questions.
If AR asked me about the Internet, or even hooking up to America Online, I should tell him he's much too rich and busy to be bothered installing and setting up his computer, and I would no more expect him to install and configure his own modem than his own spark plugs.
I should not let him near the machine until I had him logged in -- and even then only to type in his secret password. I should keep him restrained until we had built up a small library of links, bookmarked a dozen or so favorite places and hot-keyed in some choice keywords, all customized for him after a brief interview.
You want recipes? Here you are, a link to Fanny Farmer and beyond. You're a news junkie, aren't you, Andy? I'd better patch in links to some newsmags, or subscribe you to a few mailing lists, to clog your inbox with columnists. You like movies? Here are all your favorite studios, aching to tell you about their latest releases. And show-biz gossip too! You can even do a search for pages mentioning Andy Rooney!
Didn't you do a story a while back on buying a car? Here, Andy, let me show you how to shop for a car on the Internet.
Didn't you mention once you had a garden? Need info on the care of bromeliads? No? OK. Someone else might.
A few days ago I discovered how to find out magician's secrets on the 'net. That kind of information you might not even find in a library.
The techniques used by mind control cults? Exposed. Has CBS shown that? Uncensored autopsy photos from famous crimes and trials? Hey, you don't have to look, and you probably don't want to. But you're entitled to.
Logging onto the Internet is the true freedom of information act. Here we the people have not only the right to know, and the freedom to speak, but the tools to find out, and the technology to be heard.
There is, perhaps, too much information, much of it unreliable. Lies, damned lies, and statistics, all are readily available. Can we trust the source? Maybe we would if the domain was cbs.com. This may not be important to you, Andy, but it is to your employer.
What else might interest you? You want to compare product specs without getting the hard sell treatment? Nowadays, if a manufacturer doesn't have a web page to tell you all about their products, maybe they're trying to hide something.
Only you know what you like to watch in the privacy of your TV den, Andy, but if you want to follow a soap opera, or look at pictures of bored housewives dancing naked in front of their quickcams, we certainly won't ask you to tell us about it on national television.
Andy, I know you said you don't need to meet people; you have all the friends you need, I'm sure. But in these chat rooms you can talk to people who don't know you're Andy Rooney. Hey, when was the last time you had a conversation with someone who didn't recognize you, hmm, Andy? Doesn't that interest you at all? You could even ask them what they watch on Sunday nights, and never let on why you asked. Do you dare?
You enjoy being a curmudgeon, don't you, Andy? Well, this here is curmudgeonland. Every time you turn around, someone's complaining about something. They didn't like the way someone phrased a newsgroup posting, or they put it in the wrong place, or employed fallacious reasoning -- just wait til you get flamed, Mr. Rooney, and we'll see if your rapier wit is the sharpest in the land.
And so on. What you find on the Internet depends on what you look for.
Hey, Andy. What's this big marble building? A library, what's that? What'll I find in there? Yeah, sure, I know, but what'll I really find there? Give me a for instance.
Sigh.
5/28/96
 |
Ask That Nice Man |